If you are a married, middle-aged man, there is a good chance you have heard these words before: "I don't like your tone, mister!" But it's not just in the bounds of marital bliss that words may come across as other than what was intended.
The tone of one’s voice can set the "mood" of the words spoken. But what we mean by "tone" is either our emotional conveyance or vocal inflections. And these two dynamics can easily be misunderstood for the other.
As a teenager, one of my first jobs was as a stockboy in a department store. I wanted the next Friday off to attend a concert and approached my manager to ask for that evening off. When I began to ask for the scheduling approval, he coarsely bellowed out "I don't have time" and without as much as a look, walked away.
What I understood him to say was, "I don't have time for YOU". This was to be the one and only question I asked all week long, yet he did not have the time for? Obviously, I took it personally. So I quipped something back at him and the next thing I knew, we were in an argument. It was my manager’s boss who interceded and asked us to have a seat in his office to find out what all the commotion was all about.
Sitting there like two school kids pulled off the playground and brought before the principle, we began to convey the conversation that preceded the ruckus. Turns out, his short comment about time had nothing to do with me. My manager was just in a hurry to get to a meeting, with his boss by the way. Well, at least he was on time for it.
Yet, he was a pretty good guy and I felt ashamed I did not give him the benefit of the doubt. Though, he should have responded with something that could have been clearer as to his meaning such as “Let’s talk later” or “I’m in a hurry right now”. But not fully understanding his situation, I judged his words on a tone I simply did not like.
Professor Albert Mehrabian conducted a series of studies at UCLA in the 1960’s on the topic of communication congruence. Though many of his findings have themselves been misinterpreted over the years, he was the first to establish there are three variants of spoken communication; verbal, vocal and visual. That is, your words, their tone and how you look while you are speaking must all support one another.
Mehrabian also found when any one of the three are not in unity with the others, people tend to assume the worst. Nodding one’s head up and down while saying “no” is confusing. Screaming “I love you” from the back of the throat with a scowl on your face will not evoke feelings of affection.
In the case of my manager, he should have slowed down, looked me in the eyes and said, “Let’s talk a little later, okay?” That would have conveyed then was not a good time and it was not a value judgement toward me. But then again, I could have simply asked, “What do you mean by that?” to his original comment.
Interpersonal communication is nothing less than an attempt at thought transference. But there are several barriers to getting that thought to someone else’s brain. A lot of which affect how the tone of an idea is perceived. And that can cause some to dig their heels in and oppose an idea simply due to how it is presented. Again, this is where things get personal, and they need not be so.
But there are those who are simply loud and gruff. This can cause one to come across as obnoxious even when they believe themselves to be pleasant or amusing. So, it is important to take cues from others. In the office of my dentist, everyone speaks almost in whispers. I don’t know why. Perhaps they are trying to maintain patient privacy, but it seems to be the culture of that facility.
If the idea is the product, then tone is its marketing. I have adopted one golden monition through the years when meeting new groups, read the room before you speak! In high school, the library and gymnasium were two completely different environments.
In my better communication workshops, I often encounter people who confide they often make ugly or puzzled faces while they are concentrating. This is disconcerting to those who falsely believe a conversation or meeting is not going well. A smile and soft voice puts us in the mood to receive what is being said.
© MMXXIII, This article is original work and written without the assistance of artificial intelligence. Blaine Little is the founder and CEO of Momentum Seminars Training & Coaching, helping companies remain profitable by investing in their people. Learn more about the power of Momentum at http://MomentumSeminars.com