Manipulation doesn’t always wear a villain’s cape. At work, it often shows up as subtle pressure, passive-aggressive comments, or convenient “misunderstandings.” But make no mistake: manipulation is about influence without consent. It’s control disguised as collaboration. And once you know the pattern, you’ll see it everywhere.
In my forthcoming book, The Communication Key, I lay out the Five Phases of Manipulation—Assumption, Aggression, Anguish, Avoidance, and Acceptance. Whether it’s a coworker, a client, or even a manager, this cycle plays out the same way in workplace dynamics. And unless someone speaks up, it becomes the norm.
Phase 1: Assumption: This is where it starts—when someone quietly claims control without ever asking for it. They assign tasks without authority. They speak on your behalf. They assume you’ll say yes. This phase is built on presumption and entitlement. You weren’t asked—you were volunteered.
A simple way to push back? Say: “I’m not sure who told you I agreed to that, but I haven’t.” It’s firm, factual, and non-confrontational. After all, you are simply stating the truth. It’s also the first line of defense. If you let assumptions slide, the manipulator thinks they have your permission. Rarely are puppet masters a one-time offender.
Phase 2: Aggression: When their assumption is questioned, it often follows with aggression. This doesn’t mean shouting. In professional settings, aggression is usually cloaked in urgency, guilt, or false binaries. “I just thought we were on the same team.” Or: “Well, if you won’t do it, I’ll have to find someone who will.” These are pressure tactics meant to override your boundaries. A helpful response? “I need time to think about that.” It creates space, and space is power.
Phase 3: Anguish: If pressure doesn’t work, manipulators flip the script. They become the victim. Suddenly, they’re “disappointed,” “hurt,” or “confused” by your boundaries. This is anguish—not yours, but theirs—and you’re meant to feel responsible for it. But it's all theatre! Statements like, “I was just trying to help” or “I guess I misunderstood” are typical plays here.
They are designed to make you question yourself and your ability to pick up on the games they play. You’re not meant to feel angry—you’re meant to feel guilty. Defuse it with: “I’m sorry this caught you off guard, but my decision stands.” Clarity and empathy, without backpedaling.
Phase 4: Avoidance Once the drama simmers down, the would-be user often retreats. Not because they’ve changed, but because they are in the process of regrouping. Emails go unanswered. They show up late. They avoid eye contact or remove you from key conversations. This passive resistance is meant to punish. You’re supposed to feel uneasy… like you did something wrong.
But it's just a different tactic from the same playbook. Don’t fall for it. Let your consistency do the talking. Say: “I’ve noticed some distance—if there’s something that needs to be addressed, I’m open to it.” When someone is playing coy, the last thing they want is to talk about it in the open. You have now put THEM on the defense. But keep in mind, they are more than likely throwing you under the bus to everyone else on the team. But maintain your course and others will start to see the gambit.
Phase 5: Acceptance This final phase is perhaps the most deceitful, it comes across as peace. They give up and accept that you are not an easy target and things settle down. They are speaking to you again, and more than likely have moved on to control someone else. But like a tiger laying low in the tall grass, they stand ready to pounce should you show a vulnerability or sign of weakness. So make nice, and work together but know a manipulator has that flaw in their DNA. Unless there is a drastic life alteration, these people will never change.
If you THINK or FEEL as though someone is attempting to make you do or say something you would not normally, you probably are being manipulated. Speak up. Because once this cycle repeats a few times, it doesn’t just happen to you—it happens through you. You have the right to verbally defend yourself and now you know what to expect.
©2025. This original article was written without the use of artificial intelligence. Blaine Little is an author, speaker, and coach, and the Founder of Momentum Seminars Training & Coaching. We work with organizations of all sizes to build stronger leaders, better teams, and clearer communication. Learn more at www.MomentumSeminars.com.